Check Out These New Super Lazy SUSPIRIA Posters!

A word on these new one sheets released today for the unnecessary remake of Suspiria...


It is with every ounce of unbridled Italian horror nerd rage I have burning deep inside of me that I ask...who in the  living fucky fuck approved these stupid fucking posters for this supposedly interesting film??!

I mean...Jesus Fucking Christmas, guys! 

Here...let's just stop what-the-fuck we were all doing right now and have a look at these marketing gems...shall we?


Go fuck yourself, Suspiria remake teaser poster.

Grumble Grumble!! This Poster Is Wack...

They are whispering..."This poster sucks."

What in the ostrich dick is going on here?? Seriously. Are these people serious about this film? The answer to a resounding...fuck no. 

First off...that "S" is supposed to be some kind of weird graffiti offshoot of the original Suspiria font...right? It looks way stupid. looks like some kind of urban approach to the film...which feels super off base and just plain boring. Second of all...these...ummm..."teaser posters" are just plain bad. They feel like random taglines that some random dude who has sorta seen the original put down his Pokemon Quest game and just whipped up something last minute before the marketing deadline...plugging in the taglines using some sort of generic Halloween Party City font in Gimp. It's heck-a-dumb. As of this writing...I'm seriously still in the middle of audibly groaning about these ridiculous things.

Listen. I am as big as they come (like King Kong huge) in terms of being a life-long hardcore fan of the original film...and, yet...I have all the faith in the world that Oscar-nominated Italian director Luca Guadagnino is gonna give us a solid retelling of the original film with his own fingerprints all over the goddamn screen. I have a little faith that dude from Radiohead will give us a bonkers soundtrack, more reminiscent of his work with UNKLE (god I hope he doesn't sing) and it will never hold a candle to Goblin's original score. I've already done countless eye rolls at all of the clueless comments stating that "this remake can't be any worse than the original." I guess the hipster movement has not quite run its course just yet. And I've even gotten a healthy semi for the recently released screencaps of the film because they reveal a different perspective on some familiar images, including the one all the way at the top of this article of Dakota Johnson looking much like I did when I first saw these teaser posters. 

Anyway...word on the street is that the trailer is supposed to drop next week...and the film will come out this November. I guess I'm interested to see what happens...because it is a new "Suspiria", after all. But, these posters aren't doing the film any favors.

Thanks for reading,