The 2007 film, Inside...or known in its native France as...À l'intérieur, is what I deem...a fucking MASTERPIECE. FUCK-ING...MASTER-PIECE! It was such an explosion of many different elements that propelled the film into the annals of horror cinema forever. Always revered in genre circles as a bonafide modern classic. Sadly...we are not here to discuss that film today.
Instead...we are having a look at its sub-par-looking 2017 remake. Yes, friends...someone went ahead and made themselves a fucking remake of a masterpiece. Because? I don't fucking know, man. Look...I'm so goddamn sick of this bullshit, already. Jesus Christ...I'm like 2 days into my reborn status here on FD...and this trailer is making me wanna go back into my self-imposed hiatus. And...it's not even because it looks terrible. It is because it doesn't look like anything special. Special is a word reserved for films like the original Inside. Not this one. This one looks like it will surely suffer the same unnecessary fate of...say...the Martyrs remake. Nobody cared about that one at all. And...no one will care about this film one way or the other. Ok...so, this is the part where I'm supposed to tell you that I probably shouldn't write a film off based on it's mediocre-looking trailer. But...haven't we all been here before, guys?? Like...several times before?? I'm not going to tell you what you can or can't watch. Hell...go support horror...go watch it all. But, I'm here to tell you that there is already a perfect version of the film Inside that was made a mere decade ago. Haha...it just occurred to me that the original film is probably not easy to attain. Because some knuckle-head still hasn't released the film on Blu-ray and the DVD is most likely out of print. So...there's that. Still...look at this fucking trailer, guys....seriously....look at it...
Ok...so, I forgot to mention that this fucking trailer is in Spanish, for some goddamn reason. I know...right?? They are all speaking a foreign language even though there is clearly a shot of the main female character driving by the universally known Chicago sign. Who knows? Oh...and that car crash in the beginning. Let's begin our discussion there...shall we? It's just all fucking wrong and is the perfect red flag waving in your face signalling that watching this film is just a waste of time. The car does a fucking forward somersault. Like...seriously???!! Who greenlit this remake and said that a forward vehicular somersault was a great idea for a film that lives and breathes in the shadows of subtleties and details. The car flip is just a classic example of what is clearly all fucking wrong with dumb filmmaking these days. Clearly...whoever made that decision had absolutely ZERO idea of precisely what Julien Maury and Alexandre Bustillo were doing when they made the original one ten years ago. And if you have ZERO idea of the original intention...then you have ZERO confidence from me as a fellow filmmaker who has a grasp of what you are supposed to do when crafting a film. Fucking staring right at you, Miguel Ángel Vivas.
Laura Harring, who I will always love for her turn in Lynch's Mulholland Drive, is nowhere near as effective as an unhinged Béatrice Dalle. Now...that is not a slight on Harring...that's just the fucking truth. If a crazed Laura Harring were to appear in my room late at night...I might offer her a fine wine and some candlelight romance. However, in that same scenario...if it were Dalle, instead...I'd be terrified out of my fucking wits and jumping out of a 4 story window! The woman just embodies that certain thing that the Shape had in the first Halloween film. That certain screen presence that just emotes unrelenting terror. Laura just doesn't have that.
Oh...and the whole deaf angle. Is that just a quick addition to the script because someone watched Hush last year while they were shooting this and thought...GREAT IDEA! Let's just shoehorn that element into this film...because that film Hush is getting so much buzz! Totally missing the point of the concept all together.
Also...scroll all the way back up there and have a look at that insipid one-sheet for the remake. It seriously looks like there is a Japanese Ju-on ghost stalking our deaf protagonist. *sigh*
Seriously...fuck this remake. I don't even have the energy to give it a chance. Even if they were screening the premiere in my living room...I think I would just leave to get an ice cream, or something...because this is one film that I probably could not care less about even if I mustered up all the energy of Marshall Bravestarr...and his strength of the bear. This version of Inside...can go fuck itself. I'll be over here watching the original.
Join me here next time when we discuss the Suspiria remake trailer whenever that happens.
|Don't ever fuck with a crazy Beatrice Dalle. EVER.|
Thanks for reading,