Monday, March 9, 2015

GIALLO WEEK: How To Be The Perfect Giallo Killer In 13 Easy Steps


We here at Film Deviant do not promote or condone the act of murder. Nor do we partake in any of that debauchery. However, should one feel the desire to listen to the voices in their heads...we have devised a 13-Step process for teaching the art of murder - Giallo-Style!

So...you've survived GIALLO WEEK here at Film Deviant...and now you want to play the role of the murderous sexual-psychopath. Well...fear not, friend...just follow our 13-Step Easy-To-Follow Program and you'll be on your way to successfully slaying hot young supermodels in no time. It is important to note that if you do follow our program...and get caught, killed, maimed, seduced, tortured, massacred or develop a case of Stendhal syndrome...we are not to be held responsible for any of that. This is for entertainment purposes only...and if you take us seriously in anyway...we will murder you ourselves.

Ok...let's begin with the program...shall we?







1. Learn how to speak Italian.
The Giallo film derives from Italy in which the term was born from crime/thriller pulp novels in the 1900's that had yellow covers. The literal translation of "giallo" means yellow...hence the nickname. Later...in the 60's, Italian filmmaking legend Mario Bava brought us the very first true Giallo film called The Girl Who Knew Too Much. So, it is imperative that if you decide to honor the sub genre by becoming a full-fledged Giallo killer...then, you speak the language of the motherland. Also...it just sounds cooler to say shit like..."Scusi, signora bella...voglio tuo carne, per favore."





2. Look the part.
Every great Giallo film has a really cool-looking killer in it. Some are of the crazy original variety (watch Stage Fright)...and some are pretty basic. However, there are consistencies with the Giallo killer. Fashionable, consistencies. Perhaps the main trait of the killer is his/her gloves. You don't want to leave finger prints...do you? And you want something functional and cool-looking, too...while you murder your victims. And the feel of Italian leather on your flesh is...delicious. Every so often you might see a killer wearing rubber gloves, instead. This is totally your decision. You might want to consider a cool mask, too. Something that will fully disguise your identity while, also, giving you that menacing appearance. However, it is important to mention that you maintain an overall chic look to your wardrobe...whether you are slaying a fashion model or hosting a cocktail party.  Just look at that killer in the photo above...he didn't have to wear that scarf....I mean, they're on a fucking beach for Christ's sake. But, he did...and that made all the difference. 





3. Every Italian killer needs his tools of the trade.
Knives...big or small...are the usual choice of any Italian murderer. Whether it be some kind of exotic kriss blade or just a standard straight-razor for a more traditional look...as long as you can kill a group of fashion models with it...you're golden. I've seen gialli where every sort of weapon is utilized...even a fucking hacksaw...however, don't ever use a gun, man. Guns are for pussies.





4. Stock up on J&B and cigarettes.
Product placement is where it's at with these older Italian films...and there is no smoother scotch whisky blend after a long day of slaughtering than a nice glass of J&B and a pack of smokes. 'Nuff said.





5. Learn the art of the stalk.
This one's important. You have to be able to stalk your prey without ever being seen. Nothing has ever been written on this particular skill...however, I heard long ago that Giallo killers were once trained in the arts of the ninja which was later passed down amongst the killers. You have to be there...without being there. You have to anticipate your prey's actions...before they do. Be a fucking jedi...with black leather gloves.





6. Buy a villa in Italy.
Listen...Giallo killing is no poor man's sport. Strictly for the big time players in the house. You need to own a villa, man. Owning a villa commands respect and it makes for a great way of bringing the ladies (or gentlemen) back to your place. And...once you own your own villa, you could design a secret maze behind the walls in order to make your getaway much quicker. Also...you could stash all of your murdering equipment in those secret compartments. Kinda like a psycho-sexual Batman.





7. Adapt to the shadows.
This is kind of an extension of number five. However, whenever you see a good Giallo...the killer is always cloaked in darkness. Almost like he/she controls the shadows. Is it an illusion? Or is it because the Giallo killer is a bonafide ninja. You decide...because I already know. Italians are on a different level than your average slasher. Jason Voorhees doesn't care about shadows. The Giallo killer is much more debonair and can almost live in the shadows. You know...kinda like a creepy Batman.





8. Become a reputable figure in the arts.
Preferably something that requires an art gallery or theater. Or even better...an American crime/thriller novelist! You know...like Peter Neal. Being someone of artistic value grants you full access to much more environments for which to kill in. AND...it provides you an almost fool-proof immunity...that will surely keep the authorities guessing. And guess all they want...because the polizia know better than to fuck with a world famous writer.





9. Be sure to dispatch your victims in a tidy fashion.
So, you've paid top dollar for your fine Italian murder suit...the last thing you wanna do is get blood all over it. That shit never comes off...trust me. So, unless you happen to be that rare Giallo killer that actually enjoys bathing in the blood of their victims...the main thing to do here is keep everything clean. Especially if you are going big with a hacksaw or chainsaw...the blood will surely spray everywhere. Patience is the game with this one. Nothing gets more messy than a killer who is in a hurry. So, make sure you plan ahead and keep things tidy. A good tip to remember is to always have a spare suit accessible in case that blood does stain your Versace.





10. Make sure that you always have a solid alibi.
Nothing irks the polizia more than an airtight alibi. Chief inspector dickhead will surely have his ass fully chapped if you calmly tell him that you were with a bunch of swinging friends telling them about the time you wrestled a bear in the Appalachians during a skiing trip that one time. As long as you have good friends that will vouch for you...it's all good. Sometimes this will take a little bit of bribe money...so, make sure you have some set aside. Also, try to remember to plan your murders in between social events and make sure that you are seen partying often. That way...Sergio will remember seeing you dancing with Edwige while Jenny was being stabbed to death.





11. Get set for tons of female nudity and hot orgy-like sex. 
This is probably the best part of being a Giallo psycho-sexual killer in Italy in the 70's. There's like 3 hot girls for every guy...and if you're a world famous novelist...those numbers multiply, my friend. Make sure you use this one to your advantage and not get caught up in the sexy time.Again...planning ahead is your best bet...and try to bring the game back to your villa. That way, should things get out-of-hand...you are safe in your humble abode. Also...use plenty of protection. STD's can be a Giallo killer's worst enemy...so, make sure you play it responsibly.





12. Don't forget to have pills on the ready.
This one kind of goes with the previous step. However, as evidenced in Black Belly of the Tarantula, sometimes a Giallo killer is a different breed and actually gets off on drugging his/her victims in which to watch them as they are killed. Honestly, this one is a personal preference thing and it might actually serve you better to engage in actual one-on-one sexual play...rather than having to perform everything yourself because your partner(s) is all drugged out. Still...you might want to have a stash accessible...just in case.





13. Make sure that your twist ending is a really cool and memorable one.
No one likes a boring ending. If you have followed all of the above steps and you find yourself at the end of your rope...as the polizia are closing in...make sure you go out in style and with a BANG. Now this one is different for everyone...as no two Giallo killers are the same. Do your best to make your ending a great one. I mean...as tedious as A Blade in the Dark  was for most of the running time...I've never forgotten that crazy ending. Take a cue from the Italian masters before you and devise an epic ending that will make everyone gasp like they did at the end of Bird with the Crystal Plumage. Make sure the reveal is memorable. No one wants to get caught and hauled off to prison with nothing to show for. This is your narrative, man. Make it incredibly ridiculous in a huge way.




So, there you have it, guys. Thirteen easy-to-follow steps for being the perfect Giallo killer. Now...go out there and get 'em! But, before you do...I just want to take this opportunity to give you Deviants my deepest gratitude for reading all GIALLO WEEK. Taking a look at the numbers...this has been one of the highest spikes in traffic in all of Film Deviant's existence. So, thank you so, so much!



You have been reading..."FILM DEVIANT"




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