Sunday, February 16, 2014

FILM REVIEW: Nurse 3D (2014)


First thing's first...if you're not into gratuitous female nudity and ridiculous plots...and gratuitous female nudity...then, Nurse 3D  is most definitely not for you. However, if you welcome such things as Paz de la Huerta eating Katrina Bowden's ass...then, check out our review!

I'm not here to tell you what to watch and what not to watch. Although, sometimes there are certain films that we really, really recommend you check out. Nurse 3D  is one of those films that you honestly have to see for yourself to really believe. I mean...it's kind of a terrible film void of any real substance. But, sometimes...just sometimes...as long as a film oozes character and some charm...it's enough to ensure an entertaining experience. And Nurse 3D  has character and charm in spades. Of course, it certainly doesn't hurt that Paz and Katrina prance around in mostly nothing during the whole film.

If nothing else, Douglas Aarniokoski and Boris Mojsovski have crafted a well-paced and beautifully shot film. There are some really great examples of fine cinematography in this film that would lead one to believe that they are watching something much better than what it is. I almost half expected a tracking shot somewhere in there. But, seriously, there are films of this ilk that don't even bother with making a competent film, never mind one that actually stands out as far as looks. Nurse 3D  is certainly a feast for the eyes. I don't know why I keep referring to the film as "Nurse 3D" when I actually didn't see it in 3D.


The film centers around a nurse named Abby (de la Huerta) whose extracurricular activities involve slicing up unfaithful husbands. She's sort of like a salacious version of Dexter Morgan...except without the aid of Michael C. Hall's acting abilities. In fact, the entire film feels like one big fun episode of Dexter. It's got that same black humor and that same kind of weird music. It gives the whole film a certain levity that helps with the viewing experience. So, Abby is a nurse by day and kills cheaters by night. Until she meets a young nurse by the name of Dani (Bowden) who appears to be having trouble settling into her new position. Abby notices this and swoops in to "help" her out. And by "help", I mean slip her roofies and finger-fuck her to six orgasms. Hey...sometimes people help other people in their own way. Who am I to judge?

Before long, Abby's obsession over Dani gets the better of her and she finds herself losing control of the life that she has found. There's something about a double identity and all kinds of infidelity....and Judd Nelson shows up for good measure. Oh...and William Shatner is in the film for, like...5 minutes, or something. Huh? What's that? That wasn't William Shatner in a nurse outfit and a wig?? What are you talking about?? Of course that was William Shatner. Wait...what?? Kathleen Turner?? Get the fuck out of here! That wasn't no Kathleen "Romancing the Stone" Turner, dude...get out of here! Are you serious?? Jesus Christ...what the hell happened to that woman??!

Anyway...where was I?? Oh, yeah...so, Abby snaps and turns full-psycho. Paz is pretty great in the film in a sort of crazy way. Sure she's got that weird beauty thing going for her...but, her dazed acting is on full display here. She feels a bit like she's disconnected from the real world and she appears to be acting on a different level from anyone else in the film. I still can't decide if I genuinely enjoyed her performance...or I was in a trance. But, I will say that she keeps her vagina well-groomed. There's that.


I also cannot get enough of Katrina Bowden (loved her in Tucker and Dale). I'm not usually a blonde kinda guy...but, with her and Amber Heard in the genre...it's kinda tough not to appreciate the golden-haired beauties. Bowden does her thing in the film. She also does an immaculate job of standing against a shower wall completely naked. I haven't seen stuff like that since the 80's. Seriously, if there was a "standing against a shower wall naked" category at the Academy Awards, Katrina would be waking away with the gold statue. I'm not even kidding when I say that.

The gore is pretty great...when it's not the blatant CGI stuff. There's some really cool practical stuff that makes the films feel much more expensive than it is. In fact, the whole feel of Nurse  is on par with a much bigger film, which, again, is refreshing for a film that does nothing to hide the fact that it drinks from the exploitation well.

Nurse  is not a great film. In fact, there are so many things wrong with it that I usually hate in films like this. But, there's a certain kind of energy the film possesses that makes me like it the more that I think about it. I actually ended up watching it twice. In a row! There's a film called The Roommate  that came out a few years ago that I hated and I would say that Nurse  is the better version of that film. Who knows? Maybe in ten years I'll be hailing the film as one of the best of the decade. Doubtful...but, understandable. It's celluloid trash...shot beautifully and played just right.




Thanks for reading,

bryan.




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