Thursday, October 3, 2013

31 DEVIANT DAYS: 10 Worst Halloween Costumes


Halloween is undeniably the best time of the year. It is the one season where one can literally dress up as his or her favorite horror film icon...and actually have a blast doing so. Just about every Halloween store chain begins to pop up in every town and every department store has their own section devoted to the Season of the Witch. However, it is also the time of the year where mistakes can be made when picking out a costume. We would like to offer 10 of the worst costumes that are available right now that you need to stay away from.

Halloween costumes are fun. They offer a sort of escapism that cannot be duplicated during any other holiday. And while some might argue that they wear their costumes year-round, you can't deny that this time of the year certainly brings out some of the most imaginable costume concepts from every dark corner. And while there are certainly amazing examples of Halloween dress up every year...there are also the absolutely terrible ones. Perhaps my biggest pet peeve when it comes to Halloween costumes are just flat out laziness. Either go balls deep...or just go home. There's really no excuse for half-assing it on Halloween. And there also isn't any excuse for the following examples of poor Halloween costumes.




FILM DEVIANT PRESENTS...





10. THE DARYL DIXON


I've seen much better fan-made costumes than this. However, if you don't possess the sheer badassedness that Daryl clearly has...then you shouldn't even bother. Note the loafers and Super Cuts hair style. I believe this one only comes with the vest and zombie ear trophies for around $30. Everything else...you have to put together. Again...I stress the badassedness of this costume. If you don't even know what a chopper is...best to just stay away from this one. However, if you are indeed a badass...then, you're probably not at the local Spirit Halloween trying on fake leather vests with wings on the back.





9. THE CARRIE


There are much better ways to spend $40 than this. I spilled my Scary Blackberry Ghoul-Aid on my white t-shirt earlier and it looked more like blood than this does. For 40 smackaroos...you get this dress/wig combo that looks like someone spilled raspberry jam all over you...then, tried to create a water-color nature scene. It looks terrible, man. For half the price you can get an inexpensive white prom dress from the thrift store and drain a pig of its blood for free and recreate the original effect ;)





8. THE VERY COOL VAMPIRE


This $40 costume will elicit one thing at the Deviant household this Halloween...a punch in the face. Seriously, if anyone shows up at my house wearing this outfit...there will be blood. What can I say about this bastardization of one of the genre's most beloved creatures of the night? It feels as tho one of my greasy uncles who gets laid a lot didn't even bother with a whole costume. He simply threw on a cape and went into his closet for the rest of the outfit. For 40 big ones...you get a douchbag vampire costume that looks like you walked off the set of a Jersey Shore Halloween Special. Herpes not included.





7. THE ELITE DEVIL


I mean...you're kind of asking for it when you call a $50 costume The Elite Devil. Close your eyes for a second. Now...imagine, if you will, what Lucifer, the God of Darkness, would look like if he/she/it were to materialize before your eyes. I'm sure most of you out there have much more imagination in your pinky toe than whoever conjured up this costume design. Seriously...would the Dark Lord show up in a crushed velvet vest, a sateen cape...all while wielding a plastic pitch fork? Come the fuck on, man! One of my biggest pet peeves with Halloween costumes is the sheer laziness in putting together an outfit...and this one takes the cake! A scant 30 dollars can buy you THIS...which looks much scarier and more what Satan might look like...should he ever make it to your house on Halloween night in search of your soul. And a Charleston Chew.





6. THE BANE


No. Just...no. 50 bucks for this?? Lemme say that again. $50 FOR THIS?! You get a cheap Bane mask from the major motion picture, The Dark Knight Rises...as well as an even cheaper screen-printed Bane outfit (complete with stupid-looking wrist band. Nobody will care who you are...until you put on the cheap mask and stupid costume. And even then...no one will really care. Does it get any worse than this fucking Bane costume?? I'm afraid that it does, Deviants. It does.





5. THE FREDDY KRUEGER


This one's the cheapest costume of the lot...coming in at just over 20 bucks. So, I kinda feel bad ripping it apart. Kinda. So, if this version of Freddy showed up in your dreams...would you be scared? Even just a little bit?? The answer to that question is a resounding...NO. First off, the mask doesn't even look like Krueger. I actually don't know what to make of it. It looks like some kind of alien, or something. Like a thug alien from the planet Stupid. And that sweater! It looks as if Freddy brought it back from the dry cleaners! It's supposed to be old and dirty. Would it have killed the designers to put in some distressing and dark patches? It's one of those embarrassing costumes that I would never allow any of my friends to wear. Freddy Krueger is better than this.





4. THE ROB ZOMBIE MICHAEL MYERS


On clearance for 100 bucks! Get on this super hot deal while it lasts, folks! Ideal for the ultimate Rob Zombie omega-fan who aspires to look like an idiotic caricature of the Myers from Zombie's "re-imagining". It goes without saying that if you were to purchase this costume, you would be contributing to the gross raping and pillaging of our horror franchises that we've loved so much. This sucks almost as bad as Rob Zombie's Halloween  2. Almost.




3. THE "DELUXE" JASON VOORHEES


50 bucks at Spirit Halloween will get you this truly stupid-looking Jason Voorhees "deluxe" costume. Let's pause here for a moment and soak this costume in...shall we? Ok...moment over. First off...that mask. What in the name of everything holy is that supposed to be?? I mean...you're departing with $50 of your hard-earned cash...the least they could do is give you a kickass mask...right? Instead...they give you this insipid excuse for the iconic hockey mask. Where the hell is the "deluxe" part in this equation?? Let's move down to the clothing. In which of the 12 Friday the 13th  films was Mr. Voorhees a fucking pirate? He seems to be shipwrecked here...for some unknown reason. Like, perhaps, Jason crashed his pirate ship into a huge boulder in the middle of Crystal Lake and had to swim to shore. And stopped off and purchased some designer jeans along the way. This costume is a smack in the face to any real Jason fan.






2. THE "STALKER MAN"


Clearly...there is no dumber way to blow 50 big ones than to purchase this stupid Slender Man rip-off costume. Spirit Halloween has it labeled on their website as the "Stalker Man"...and damn...have you ever seen a more unintentionally goofy-looking costume? Look at this thing! Look, dammnit! It's a pretty silly looking costume and might provoke endless laughter instead of the intended nightmares when you show up wearing it. And...come on, man! 50 dollars?? Are you serious??! For 50 dollars I would expect those arms to morph into animatronic tentacles...which would really be something. Instead, you get a cheap-looking pinstripe pimp suit with goofy arms and a morph suit. No.





1. THE BIOHAZARD ZOMBIE


What in the fuck?? 45 dollars at Costume Land will get you this acid trip of a "zombie" morph suit that looks like a bobsledder just finished up an intergalactic bukake. I mean...this is a joke...right?? It's gotta be. Who the hell would sell this thing for 45 bucks?! And who in there right state of mind...would purchase this?? This is the worst of the worst, in terms of bad costumes, my friends. I challenge you to find a worse costume than this "Biohazard Zombie"! Seriously...if you can post in the comments below the link to a worse costume...we will send you a Film Deviant t-shirt for free! That's right! You have until this Halloween night to find one. Consider this a challenge! Ready? Go! 






So, there you have it. The worst of the worst when it comes to Halloween costumes. There are literally hundreds of really bad stuff out there...but, we wanted to warn you of the 10 worst offenders that we found. Later in the month we'll bring you some really great examples of what a Halloween costume should look like. Until then...DO NOT come to my house wearing The Very Cool Vampire. Consider that a warning.





Thanks for reading,

bryan.




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