Saturday, August 10, 2013

FOREIGN HORROR: Aria Asia Maria Vittoria Rossa Argento



A word on my imaginary wife.

Dario Argento remains my all-time favorite Italian horror director. Though his current output of work has been a bit on the sad side, I give him a ton of clout for the stuff that he did in the first part of his cinematic career. He pretty much helped shape the current landscape of the genre as we know it. Many current filmmakers owe a great deal of debt to the man and continue to cite him as a main source of influence.

So...when I first learned that he had a daughter...my young heart immediately skipped a beat. Along with millions of horror fans around the world, Demons 2  was my first introduction to the Argento flower. She was all of 10 when she played the part of little Ingrid in the film, which meant that she was only a couple of years younger than me! She went on to star in Soavi's The Church (an unofficial sequel to the Demons  films) and her dad's last decent film, Trauma. When she did Trauma...I was taken aback a little. That's the film when she revealed her majestic breasts to the world. I was beside myself in utter amazement. I mean...I've seen female breasts prior to watching the film many a time. Just not Argento breasts. And they were not only fleshy mounds of royalty...but, they were glorious in shape! Perfection. In that VHS moment...I swore my heart to her. One day, I promised...we would find one another and offer each other's souls to the other. Then, I snapped out of my creepy stalker frame of mind as the credits rolled and popped the tape into the rewinder.

Still...she was a vision of dark beauty to me. Something that I knew I would never have...yet, I continued a casual yearning for Asia Argento. I snatched up all the films she was in...no matter how nausea-inducing they happened to be (not in a good way). The best of them was B. Monkey...because I like monkeys. I even found my way to her directorial debut, Scarlet Diva. That one made me feel all kinds of dirty. Kinda like the first time you see your loved one in a porno. Stop acting like you don't know what I'm talking about.


I even endured her unfortunate career choice in the dumb as rocks xXx. Even tho I kinda dug it...but, you'll never catch me admitting that out in public. Then! I read that she was going to be in George A. Romero's return to the zombie sub-genre...Land of the Dead! I was ecstatic beyond belief. Until I watched it. I mean...it wasn't too bad. But, I kind of had mammoth expectations that the film could never live up to. Still bought the Blu-ray, tho. 

I sort of kept tabs with her throughout the remainder of the decade...and I nearly swallowed my tongue when it was revealed that Asia was going to be starring in her father's sequel to Suspiria! HOLY LORD FUCKING BALTHAZAR GETTY, I exclaimed. But...we all know how that one turned out. It's filed under my "desperately forced myself to love it" category of Argento films.

But, anyway...Asia remains a reclusive celebrity that continues to bewilder normal people outside of her circle with her artistic choices. Never bothers me. Why? Because we share a certain kind of understanding that can never be explained on some dumb horror blog that no one reads. It's something that exists within the stars. Like a fucking smoldering nomenclature. See....there I go again with my inter-dimensional words. But, she gets it. Somewhere...out there...if love can see us through. Then, we'll be together...somewhere out there...out where dreams....come true.







"Movies have saved my life and I'm so grateful. I'm so shy and weird that if I didn't find a place through movies, I don't know what I would've become." - Asia Argento




Thanks for reading,

bryan.





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