Thursday, May 23, 2013

FILM REVIEW: Silent Hill: Revelation (2012)


All I wanted was to sit down and watch a really awesome film about Silent Hill. Instead, I got this. Cool movie poster, tho.

Now, before I go on...I just want to preface my review by mentioning that I'm a really big fan of the original Silent Hill  film adaptation and all of its incarnations. The video games, the memes, the dancing pyramid head videos, everything. So, you can imagine my utter indifference when I finally watched this newish sequel.

Silent Hill: Revelation  isn't bad. But, it isn't good. It's sort of just there. Like tarter sauce. Actually, that might be a poor representation...because I've had some really good fuckin' tarter sauce. They have this dish at Long John Silvers that consists of a Whitefish fillet served with a side of fries and Hushpuppies that goes great with their tarter sauce. I sometimes end up taking like 9 of those goddamn tarter sauce packets. And, OMG...let's not even talk about the Super Sampler. That shit is like heaven in a basket! I could seriously eat that every day...

What's that?? Oh, right...the Silent Hill  movie...sorry.


Ok...so, where was I? Silent Hill: Revelation  continues the story that the first installment established. Hell, even Sean Bean and Radha Mitchell (kinda) show up for continuity purposes. Heather (a really decent Adelaide Clemens...whom I seriously mistook for Michelle Williams) and her dad have moved around quite a bit, doing their best to escape the clutches of the evil that inhabits Silent Hill, an alternate dimension where demonic nurses and dollhead spiders exist. Anyway, it seems that her father, Sean Bean, has been sucked into the "Otherworld" and it's  not long before the sirens go off and Heather finds herself in Silent Hill. Luckily, she's joined by the brooding young male of the film, Vincent (played well by Game of Thrones' Kit Harington...couldn't help but be a little distracted from the Game of Thrones presence in the film. I was almost hoping that Peter Dinklage would show up as a womanizing demon). So, Vincent explains that he was sent by the Order in which to seek out Heather and...well, I dunno...I guess help her or something.

This was around the time I got bored and switched over to Toy Hunter, which I must say is a hell of an idea for a television show! I got really excited because the guy was looking for the "Wonder Bread" He-man figure...and I remembered that I have it (somewhere)! So, I started going through all of my storage boxes in my closets and just about everywhere I could think of...until I got all discouraged and sulked on the couch. Then, I had a revelation that I had to finish watching Silent Hill: Revelation. So, I did.


So, the CGI doll spider Tool video thing shows up, as well as the signature nurses. And, oh there's Malcolm McDowell in this film. I got kind of excited for it again...until I didn't. Because no one really does anything in the entire film. Sean Bean is hardly in the fucking thing...which is a shame, because he's awesome. Would it have hurt the writers to write in a scene where he's wrestling Pyramid Head in a cage match? I started getting upset that this wasn't anywhere near the cool film that it should have been. Of course, all these "Wonder Bread" He-man and Game of Thrones  distractions didn't help, either. I started asking myself if this is what it would be like if people got sucked into Silent Hill. Based on the video games, the "Otherworld" seems like a bleak, scary fucking place to be in. In this film, it just sort of feels like a damn nuisance. Like, fuck...*sigh*...I gotta go back to Silent Hill to save my dad again...oh, well. Hope I make it back in time for the playoffs. This film just never captures the dread of the first film. Not that the first one was some amazing piece of genre cinema, or anything...but, I still had a great time with it. Not the case with this one.

Anyway, an albino Carrie-Ann Moss shows up to remind us that she's having a rough time finding decent work post-Matrix. And then, everyone is in some evil carnival....and something about a fucking amulet (isn't it always about a fucking amulet??). Then, Pyramid Head shows up to save the day. Wait...huh??!! Pyramid Head shows up to save the day??? No...that's not supposed to happen! Pyramid Head doesn't fucking save anything. Whenever I'm trying to make it to the final boss in the game, it's not like Pyramid Head fucking shows up to help me out. I'm pretty sure that he shows up to try to kill me! Seriously, what in the Jesus Christ is that?? I'm really getting aggravated with modern horror films trying to make genre icons into lovable characters. I'm watching a goddamn Silent Hill  movie....scare me!

Fuck this...I was gonna give this film a middling score...but, now I'm all worked up. Fuck Silent Hill: Revelation  and everything about it. You know what?? I just had a revelation of my own, you stupid CGI wannabe-horror movie! You suck!

Oooohhh.....the box in the garage! That's where my "Wonder Bread" He-man is!




IF ONLY THIS MEME HAD A SHRED OF TRUTH TO IT.



Thanks for reading,

bryan.





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