FILM REVIEW: Texas Chainsaw (2013)

How to fuck up an iconic horror movie franchise in 5 easy steps!

1. Write a convenient script for your sequel/remake/prequel/rewhateverthefuck which bullet points the basic iconic elements without fleshing out the particulars of what made those elements so iconic in the first place. It is important to maintain some sort of semblance of continuity to appease the fanbase built from the original film. Those that tend to nitpick at such trivial things like, for instance, the importance of how the iconic mask (in this case...Leatherface) looks like in this new version. Make sure that it sorta looks like the original...but, don't doesn't have to be the authentic thing. You should be able to find a decent mask at your local Halloween store that are budget friendly (kinda like the cheap one used in the opening minutes of Texas Chainsaw 3D...complete with women's make up). As we is important to maintain a general feeling of authenticity in the script...but, don't's not super important.
2. Hire a relatively cheap director that doesn't care too much for silly things like depth and lasting substance but, rather, puts most of his time and energy into making stuff look glossy and cool on film. Like John Luessenhop, for example. He's fairly new to the, he should be pretty cheap to get. And his last film, Takers, is a pretty glossy version of Heat. That can't go wrong. If he didn't pay too much to get him in the first place. And if he actually does a great's that much sweeter because, didn't pay too much to get him in the first place. In any case, he doesn't know anything about the first film so, he won't care too much about whatever's going on. Thus adding to the suckage of the film.

3. Cast your film with pretty-looking young actors who aren't necessarily well-known...but, do have that familiarity to them. Bonus Points for getting actors that have appeared in tween shows like 90210 and that sort of thing. Double Bonus Points for getting a hip hop/R&B artist to show up in your film. Super Double Action Bonus Points for getting Clint Eastwood's illegitimate kid to play a plot twist role in the goddamn film. Sexy Super Double Action Mega Bonus Points for getting the super humanly hot Alexandra Daddario to play the role of the final girl in the film. Minus a billion points for teasing to show Daddario's hypnotizing fleshy balloons throughout the entire movie and never unleashing them.
4. Make the entire thing 3D. Usually, 3D and horror combine for a fun experience. Think about it for a sec. Taking the more traditional elements of the genre like gore, titties, weaponry, titties, decapitations, glass shards, oh...and titties....and shooting the entire thing in 3D. Sheer awesomeness. Only, don't take full advantage of the awesomeness. Instead, you settle for less awesome 3D shots of a chainsaw bursting through a casket in the middle of the screen...rendering you cockeyed. And gratuitous shots of bootie shorts and foliage. So, the entire thing feels more like weak sauce instead of what should have been a no brainer.

5. Don't bother with the freakin' details. Case in point....the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre  film takes place around 1974, while the majority of this one is in the present day. However, the film fast forwards about 20 years from the original...which would place it in the year 1994...even tho it all happens to be taking place in 2012, which would technically make the lead character closer to 40 instead of being portrayed by a nubile Daddario. However, it is clear that these filmmakers could care less about such fucking details. Hell, even Leatherface should, technically, be closer to living in a retirement home according to these timeline details. Thus proving that it is important to not give a fuck about such important details and half-ass whenever necessary in order to ensure a suckfest.

So, there you have it folks...a 5-Step Plan on how to fuck up an iconic horror franchise. In all seriousness, the film is on pace to top the box office this weekend. Which is an impressive feat considering that Django, Les Miserables and The Hobbit  are all still in theaters. All strong films that are still enjoying box office gains. So, in the end...horror wins. Do we really win, tho? Will a number 1 at the box office ensure another visit to Newt, Texas? And, if so...would we really want one?

Personally, I'm all for another movie with our favorite dead-skin masked antagonist wielding his trusty chainsaw. But, not like this. It's a film modestly peppered with semi-decent moments in an otherwise lackluster film. There are times when you think to yourself....ok...this might be good. But, then...things don't ever go anywhere significant. The ending provides tender moments that, literally, transform the cannibalistic homicidal Leatherface into a lovable sitcom character, for Christ's sake. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre  will always have its immortal place in cinematic history. This film will not.

You should've just read the goddamn letter in the first place, Alexandra.

Thanks for reading,