Monday, June 4, 2012

THE TRAILER CLAIRVOYANT: H.A.T.E.S. (2012)


Today THE TRAILER CLAIRVOYANT takes a look at the trailer for the upcoming Jennifer Lawrence vehicle...House At The End of the Street (H.A.T.E.S.). Man...that acronym is just begging for it...isn't it?













Release Date: September 21st, 2012
Director: Mike Tonderai
Tagline: "Fear Reaches Out...For The Girl Next Door."

I seriously don't get the whole Jennifer Lawrence thing. I mean, I like a nice set of ta ta's just as much as the next person. But, she just comes off as, well, average to me. I dunno. I mean, I am female, after all. But, I do enjoy a woman's curves more so than a male's. Does that make me weird?

House At The End of the Street  just feels stupid before I even see a frame of the trailer. Just look at that abbreviation. H.A.T.E.S.?? I mean, come on! They're just looking for trouble. And a horror film that stars Jennifer Lawrence rated PG-13?? Doesn't that automatically make the entire Jennifer Lawrence male fanbase just roll their eyes in unison? Just who is running Hollywood these days? Could you imagine the kind of coin a rated R horror film starring the IT-girl of right now would generate? Especially in a nice steamy shower scene (or two) unveiling her fleshy bits. Wow. I'm starting to get all worked up over here.

Anyway, here's the trailer:





Doth Hollywood hath no imagination anymore? I feel like I'm just watching a highlight reel of the last decade's soulless genre films starring up-and-coming A-list superstars who all disappeared into a sea of obscurity. I'm looking at you Thora Birch. I mean, seriously? Who makes this shit? Do they seriously think that this will scare us? This trailer is so generic, I was waiting for Cam Gigandent to show up (I know how much bryan hates Cam lol). Even the CGI'd black shadowy figure looks generic. And what's the deal with that Transformers dropped bass in the audio? I feel like every trailer has that little soundbite in it these days. Perhaps the only thing (and I say that carefully) that may save this film from being complete garbage is Mark Tonderai. He directed that solid little British film called Hush not too long ago.


PREDICTION: Remember that dreadful remake that came out in the middle of the double 00's called When a Stranger Calls that starred, then up-and-comer, Camilla Belle? Do you remember how that steaming pile of mediocrity turned out? And have you seen Camilla Belle lately? Well "H.A.T.E.S." will be headed into that same territory.  Good thing Jennifer Lawrence is signed on for multiple Hunger Games and X-Men sequels so, we won't be seeing her name on a milk carton anytime soon. House At The End of the Street will be hated.


THE TRAILER CLAIRVOYANT hath spoken!


For the boys...



Ok...I guess I kinda see it now ;)




No comments:

Post a Comment