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Thursday, May 24, 2012

THE TRAILER CLAIRVOYANT



Ok, ok...we realize that we've been a little lazy around these parts with new content. That's partially because of the lack of new horror films coming out in theaters lately and also because...well...hot weather usually makes us lazy. We apologize and can only offer that we've got a slew of awesomeness coming your way very soon...so, please be patient. In the meantime...behold...THE TRAILER CLAIRVOYANT!

So, usually when other websites post trailers...they say a few clever things about said trailer...embed the trailer and let you judge for yourself what the film might turn out to be. We pretty much do the same...except, we like to shake things up a little bit from time to time.

Today...we're gonna be taking a look at 4 brand new trailers that promise you all kinds of cool stuff that will surely scare the Holy Ghost out of you...right? Well...that is, until you actually watch the film in the theaters and feel cheated out of your time and money *cough*The Devil Inside*cough*. Ahem...sorry...I was eating sunflower seeds and I almost choked on one.

Anyway...we're gonna take an in-depth look at these trailers (two of them are supernatural horror films with the word "The" in the title and two of them are red-band trailers that promise a lot of gore) to see if we can accurately predict if the films will suck or not. We're not only horror film connoisseurs...but, we're also scientists that can predict suckiness in films.



Here we go...







Release Date: August 24th, 2012
Director: Todd Lincoln
Tagline: "Once You Believe...You Die"

PG-13 horror movies tend to piss me off. Not so much for the lack of gore, sex, profanity, nakedness, carnage, violence, drug use, and sex. Actually, come to think of it...that's precisely why PG-13 horror movies tend to piss me off. However, there are exceptions within the genre...far and few between. The Apparation is rated PG-13 and stars Ashley Greene. That shit just doesn't make any sense. Check out the trailer and then we'll reconvene for discussion.

       

So, this one looks a little goofy...doesn't it? A bunch of college kids gettin' together for a paranormal experiment that unleashes supernatural forces that end up killing our pretty-looking stars. The trailer looks to have elements of all kinds of other films mashed together to create something...umm...unique? Found-footage, Japanese-horror, Poltergeist, The Ring and The Entity immediately come to mind. The bed-sheet scene might seem intriguing if it were not for the "safe" PG-13 rating.

Prediction: The Apparition won't altogether suck...but, it will be painfully mediocre.










Release Date: August 31st, 2012
Director: Ole Bornedal
Tagline: "Darkness Lives Inside"

Speaking of PG-13...yup...we have another supernatural horror film looking to rope a younger audience into theater seats in hopes of a successful box office run. This one has Jeffrey Dean Morgan in it, tho. And we tend to fucking love Jeffrey Dean Morgan in mostly anything. Here...let us take a gander at the trailer for The Possession and meet me back here for a prognosis.

       

Ok...so, that looks pretty goddamn impressive! The Jewish dibbuk box stuff has always intrigued me. However, the last Jewish supernatural horror film that I can remember was The Unborn. And we all know how that one turned out (shudders). Morgan looks to be in bystander-mode...so, I doubt he'll be his usual badass self. The music (Scala & Kolacny Brothers version of Rammstein's Engel) is pretty fucking awesome and adds an atmospheric touch to the insane imagery in the trailer. I hope the film is a continuation of said atmospheric insanity. Ole Bornedal directed the atmospheric overall let down Nightwatch back in 1997 which starred a young Ewan McGregor. Hopefully he brings his A-game to this affair or else we're in store for two terrible supernatural horror films in August. Also...that Sam Raimi producer credit doesn't impress me. Most Ghost House films usually end up in the bargain bin section of the DVD rack.

Prediction: The Possession will have enough creepy awesomeness to make it the best horror offering of August despite it's PG-13 rating.













Release Date: Fall 2012
Director: Kimble Rendall
Tagline: "A Tidal Wave Just Flipped The Local Food Chain"

Ok...first off...that tagline just sounds fucking stupid. Makes me wanna run far away from this film. Also...the last shark film (Shark Night) left a bad taste in our mouths...so, here we are again. Another shark film...IN 3D! Let's take a look at the trailer for Bait 3D and discuss what we just saw...shall we?

       

Hmmm....doesn't look too bad...does it? The good parts of the trailer make it feel like Deep Blue Sea, which was a fun film for what it was. Plus...we like Xavier Samuels when he's not starring in Twilight films. Also the last good shark film, The Reef, actually came from Australia...the same country where this film is from. So, the film looks like it has a bunch of good stuff going for it. However....Shark Night.

Prediction: The only way that Bait 3D has a fighting chance of being any kind of good is if it's Rated R. And we're talking a fat, gory, violent R. If it's PG-13...then, it will surely suck fat stinky balls.











Release Date: June 22, 2012
Director: Timur Bekmambetov
Tagline: "President By Day. Hunter By Night."

Badassedness is usually reserved for last...for dramatic effect. Please enjoy...the Red Band trailer for Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter...and then let's meet back to discuss how fucking awesome it looks.

       

This trailer is a great example of how to make a trailer to make you want to see a film. The absolute hilarity that the title of the film conjures borders on campy b-movie kinda stuff. However, everything in this trailer makes me wanna see this film right now! My only fear is that the filmmakers are going to dwell too much in its straight-facedness and lose all the fun that can be had with a film of this nature. Bekmambetov made the films Night Watch, Day Watch and Wanted...so, he knows how to make awesome films. As long as the film is as fun as what the trailer promises...we're in for a great time.

Prediction: Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter will be so amazing that historians will want to go back and re-write all the freakin' history books!


So, there you have it. Our comprehensive look into the latest horror movie trailers in which to scientifically predict what will be awesome...and what will suck.

The Trailer Clairvoyant hath spoken.


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