Tuesday, December 27, 2011

The Worst of 2011


This is perhaps our least favorite time of the year.

The time when we have to reveal the Worst Stuff of the year. We don't ever want you to feel that this list is mean-spirited in any way. It is meant to serve as an offering for those filmmakers that make bad films. A sort of guide for those that want to make better films. Let's face it, every year there are bad films. Really bad films. The kind of films that make the viewer feel as though he or she has been cheated of his or her hard-earned money. And especially in these rough economic times, we can't afford to spend our paychecks on films that suck. Especially given that the horror genre struggles to find a broad audience every year. So, please look on this list as a plea for filmmakers to seriously go out there and give us better quality films with deeper stories and characters.

We realize that some filmmakers actually do try to make a quality picture. And we do get that sometimes a filmmaker is sort of "hand-cuffed" from making the film he or she dreams of making by greedy studio executives. It is a struggle that goes on daily in Hollywood. So, to those true filmmakers out there...we salute you. 

However, for those filmmakers that can give two fucks about a film's ultimate result. For those that seriously DO NOT get it...we offer you this ultimate list compiled by the true fans of horror cinema.


Film Deviant Presents...






The Roommate (2011)

I really don't want to rehash our entire review for the film...which can be found HERE. But, to say that this "remake/re-imaging" was the most unwarranted excuse to revisit an idea that was perfectly fine the way that it was is like saying that we totally didn't need the events of Hiroshima. Our Japanese buddies were perfectly fine without all those atomic bombs. And Single White Female was better left untouched. Having said that, had The Roommate been executed with anything other than greed and indifference...we might've, at the very least, gotten something fun to watch. Instead, The Roommate just flops around wasting everyone's time. I might say that Leighton Meester could've really shined, had she been giving some proper material to work with...but, I won't. I only mention it because I enjoy saying "Leighton Meester" any chance that I get. In the end, this is the kind of film that was obviously made to cash in on a proven premise. And because of that, The Roommate is THE WORST ATTEMPT AT A HORROR/SCI-FI REMAKE OF 2011.







Hellraiser: Revelations (2011)

Sometimes, more often than anyone can handle, a film comes along that pisses off the legions of horror cinema fans. Especially, the horror fans that share a love for one of the most iconic names in the history of the genre. Pinhead from the Hellraiser franchise is played by one man alone...Mr. Doug Bradley. If I mention the name Doug Bradley in any casual conversation concerning horror, usually there's a "Hell, yeah" or a "Fuckin' Amen" that goes along with the mention. For a while now, the Hellraiser franchise has been churning out sequels mostly to see how far we can endure the hellish adventures of the flesh. However, in 2011, we were witness to one of the most idiotic entries into any franchise, let alone Hellraiser. Thankfully, Doug Bradley wasn't a part of this abortion of a film.

Due to the looming expiration to the rights of the Hellraiser franchise, The Weinstein Company made the greedy decision to rush the production of Hellraiser: Revelations in which to secure the rights, should the studio ever decide to finish the proposed remake of the original Hellraiser film they've been teasing for years. The result was a sequel that made all the other Hellraiser sequels look like Oscar-worthy material. Even Clive Barker Tweeted the priceless: "Hello, my friends. I want to put on record that the flick out there using the word Hellraiser IS NO FUCKIN' CHILD OF MINE! I have NOTHING to do with the fuckin' thing. If they claim it's from the mind of Clive Barker, it's a lie. It's not even from my butt-hole."

Yikes!

It is no wonder that this piece of excrement is hated by many. Seriously, if you've ever once wondered if it is possible to hate a film...just watch Hellraiser: Revelations and walk away with the revelation that you will never get back the 75 minutes of your life spent watching this crappy exercise in greed. Actually...we take that back. There's no need to hate yourself that much. Just avoid the film at all costs. Film Deviant loves you way too much to see you hurt yourself like that. Instead...trust us when we tell you that Hellraiser: Revelations is THE WORST HORROR/SCI-FI SEQUEL/PREQUEL OF 2011 (or any other year, for that matter).







Apollo 18 (2011)

We really wanted to like Apollo 18. Honestly. Technically, the film isn't really that bad. It's just...as a whole...not very good. You see, this is one of those films that is seriously flawed by the sum of its parts. Had this film just shed its "found footage" gimmick and maybe not been about what it is ultimately about...perhaps the film might've been enjoyable. Actually, had the filmmakers made an entirely different movie from what we ultimately watched, maybe we wouldn't be discussing Apollo 18 on this list today. Unfortunately, the film's main payoff is pretty fuckin' stupid and the "found footage" aspect only works in the way that a street magician makes you believe that you are not getting your valuables stolen. When, in fact, the Weinsteins are making out like bandits. Unfortunately, the film more than made back it's budget. So, those greedy studio executives will keep putting out crap like this. Maybe one day, they will see the error in their ways and make better films. Maybe not. At least justice will be served on our list because Apollo 18 is THE WORST FOUND FOOTAGE HORROR FILM OF 2011.






Quentin Dupieux - Rubber (2010)

You seriously have to wonder what kind of shit directors like Quentin Dupieux are inhaling when they set out to make a film like Rubber. Now, don't get us wrong, We get the *makes air quotes with fingers* subtleties about horror film cliches embedded throughout the film. We just don't get the way it is ultimately beaten into our skulls in a manner that makes the viewer feel as tho the director was giggling to himself throughout the entire production, in a "I'm such a fucking witty genius" sort of way. Rubber isn't that smart. It has its charms and tiny moments of potential awesomeness. However, it is not smart in any redeeming kind of way. It's kind of like when a geek walks into work wearing a Star Wars rebel alliance t-shirt, hoping that someone will get the joke/reference. However, whenever someone does actually make mention of the joke/reference, the geek scoffs in a "how dare you attempt to know the level of my intelligent wittiness" kind of way. In the end...no one really gives a fuck about your stupid t-shirt.

We won't go into our original rant from earlier in the year. You can read the review HERE if you like. But, We will say that had Mr. Dupieux kept himself from revealing too much of the joke he obviously found so funny, Rubber might've been a much smarter and more concise film, instead of the repetitious "inside joke" we ultimately watched. Having said all of this, Quentin Dupieux does show promising signs of a great director. For now, though, he is relegated to WORST HORROR FILM DIRECTOR OF 2011.







Bunnyman (2009)(Released 2011)

Pretty much everything in Bunnyman sucks. Which makes us really sad...because we were hoping for a really fun slasher. But no. While we could probably write a thesis on how truly awful Bunnyman is, we will focus our attention on the gory kills in the film. Or rather...lack thereof. Had the kills in Bunnyman actually been over-the-top gory fun, we might have excused the suckage of the film. Every goddamn scene of carnage in the film is reduced to blood spray. Like, for instance...there's a scene where a hapless victim tied to a tree gets chained to a truck. And just when you are about to see her get disemboweled...blood spray. Hardly any gore. WTF?! We realize that the film only cost somewhere in the neighborhood of the price of a Whopper with cheese. But, come on, man...at least try to do something cool with it. Do we have to bring up Thankskilling as an example. Nothing is worse than a horror slasher with no gory kills. 

Ok...ok....Halloween hardly had any bloodshed in its entire running time. But, that film was directed by John Carpenter. An actual filmmaker. Bunnyman seems to be made by people that clearly do not have a good understanding of the concept of editing a film properly. Therefore...Bunnyman has the WORST KILL IN A HORROR FILM OF 2011.






Minka Kelly - The Roommate (2011)

We seriously want to apologize to Minka for getting this unfortunate recognition. We love her so much...but, she couldn't act her way out of a third grade production of Fiddler on the Roof. We hate doing this to such a beautiful person. Especially someone who has slept with longtime Yankees legend, Derek "The Captain" Jeter. God...to have one evening with Derek Jeter. I would just stare at him. I bet he can grapple an adult bear. Speaking of adult bears...I wonder if Jay Cutler pees sitting down. Hmmm. Huh? What list? Oh, snap...sorry.

So, anyway...ummm...Minka Kelly wasn't too good in The Roommate. But, we blame the script and directing for her awful acting. We're pretty sure that with a much better script and in the presence of a more capable director, Minka's acting abilities would really shine. However, it is with sheer regret that we must bestow Minka as the WORST ACTRESS IN A HORROR FILM OF 2011.






Cam Gigandet - The Roommate (2011), Priest (2011), Trespass (2011)

The mystery of how Cam Gigandet continues to get work is well beyond our understanding of quantum physics. Usually, when a film starring the talent-deficient Gigandet comes across our desk, here at Film Deviant, it is a safe bet that it won't be a great experience. In fact, we have an on-going office pool that he'll give out a decent performance one day. After all, we're not meanies here at Film Deviant. We simply want good films. And Cam usually doesn't know how to take part in good filmmaking. If you are a young up and coming filmmaker and would like to cast a young up and coming actor to make your film better. Cam Gigandet is not the man to call. He plays the same squinty-eyed prick that laughs at his own jokes in every film. His range of acting is pretty much non-existent. You can read a more in depth review of his work HERE and HERE if you want. But, trust us when we tell you that Cam Gigandet is THE WORST ACTOR IN A HORROR FILM OF 2011.







The Rite (2011)

The Rite was the first real horror film to be released in 2011. It was, for the most part, a big let down. It wasn't scary...although it showed some good scary atmosphere. The acting wasn't particularly memorable...although the actors in it did show a decent range of performance. It just wasn't a good, solid horror  film...despite having really good, solid horror elements in the film. We reviewed the film HERE...so, you can check out what we ultimately thought of it. But, we will say that we wished the film scared us more. Demon possession and religion are always creepy elements to deal with in any film. So, it is a wonder that The Rite comes off more poseur than actual scary horror. 

The film does have its technical merits, though. It looks great. The direction is pretty tight. And the acting is pretty solid. That's why The Rite is so goddamn frustrating. It had all the elements to make it a much scarier experience. Instead...The Rite is THE MOST FRUSTRATING HORROR FILM OF 2011.




So, by now I'm sure that you probably don't want to read about anymore things that suck. So, we'll take a brief intermission now...

Angelina Armani was in Chrome Skull: Laid to Rest II and she doesn't suck. Well, not in that particular film, anyway.


Damn...Angelina is hot!

So, getting back to the Worst of 2011. We, usually, like to do a top 10 list of films that sucked. But, in this case we'll do a list of 5 films...just to be different. Because, well...we tend to deviate from the norm. Actually, it's because we didn't think this particular Worst of 2011 list was going to be so goddamn long.

Anyway, we took a little survey over at the Film Deviant Facebook page and came up with 5 films that horror fans didn't like. So? What are the Worst 5 Horror Films of 2011?

Well...we're glad you asked!




5. Vanishing on 7th Street (2010)

I would like to point out that I am a card carrying member of the Brad Anderson fan club society. Because he helmed the awesome Session 9 (one of my favorite horror film of the double 0's)...he pretty much gets a free pass. Until I watched Vanishing on 7th Street, that is. It's the kind of film that threatens to be pretty good...only it never actually arrives at that conclusion. It's a pathetic rip off of much better films done years ago...including Anderson's own Session 9 and fails at becoming anything resembling fresh or original or...good. Even the acting sucks. You can read our in-depth review of the film HERE, if you want. But, I assure you...it'll just be more of why Vanishing on 7th Street sucks. I still have my Brad Anderson fan club society card, for now. After all...it allows me to get free refills at Jamba Juice.







4. Creature (2010)



We really do wish that Creature was a better film. It had a great opportunity to sound the bell for old-school horror when it took its grass roots campaign into major theaters this past fall. Unfortunately, it now holds the unenviable distinction of having the worst grossing first weekend for any film...ever. Creature wasn't all that bad, though. After all...it had boobies in it. Too bad the rest of the film wasn't as memorable as boobies.

Actually...on second thought...it was pretty bad. However, Sig Haig is pretty fucking rad. LOL...we just rhymed.








3. Dylan Dog: Dead of Night (2011)

We seriously feel for Brandon Routh. The guy is such a good actor and an all around nice man. Some of us here at Film Deviant actually  liked Singer's Superman Returns...or at least the part where Superman saves the airplane from crashing into the baseball field. Not sure what happened during the rest of the movie. Unfortunately for Mr. Routh, Hollywood just wants to reboot/remake/rewhatever anything and everything. Including a Supes film that was only released a few years ago. So, he's left to star in these abysmal films that take forever to find distribution or guest starring on Chuck. Dylan Dog: Dead of Night fuckin' sucked. There's no real nice way of saying that.

Brandon Routh is awesome though.







2. The Roommate (2011)



We wonder why a film like The Roommate exists. We wonder even more how a film like The Roommate gets to enjoy wide distribution while a film like Trick 'r Treat has to wait 3 fucking years before it becomes available to the horror-loving public. What we don't wonder is why readers voted The Roommate as the second suckiest film of 2011. Because....well, the film really does suck.

A lot.

Seriously...this film really sucked.








1. Hellraiser: Revelations (2011)

There was this one time when I was really young...I was messin' around with this slut of a girl...who, incidentally, was messin' around with the whole fucking neighborhood. I ended up getting the goddamn mumps where my throat swelled up like I was a fuckin' frog. I couldn't eat solid foods and had a high fever for a whole week. I was quarantined to my room and had no access to the outside world (pre-internetz). I was stuck in my room playing Sega Genesis for days. It fuckin' sucked...and the pain in my throat was fuckin' horrible. I think I must've lost like 20 lbs. I remember the doctors running tests on my testicles to make sure they were ok...because, apparently, mumps can cause balls to become inflamed. Needless to say, I kicked the slutty bitch* to the curb and beat Shinobi 3: Return of the Ninja Master that summer.


I bring this up...because I want to illustrate to you that I would rather go through another bout with the mumps than see Hellraiser: Revelations again.

*BTW...if you happen to live in the Boston area...I'd stay away from Tiffany Rodman. Who knows what kind of cooties that girl is concealing these days.




Well...that's it for the suckage of 2011. It has all been purged from our wonderful site. We can look at 2012 as a fresh new slate that has the full potential of bringing us some new and exciting horror films that will, hopefully, be pretty good. Our goal here at Film Deviant is to not do a list like this anymore. It's painful...and no one walks away happy. Well...unless you stare at that picture of Angelina Armani all day. It makes us happy in the pants.

On the other hand...2012 might suck pretty hard...and we might very well extend this already long list into a 4 part series. That's pretty much the double-edged beauty that a new year brings. The excitement of not knowing what new horror is around that next corner. Whatever the case....you can bet that Film Deviant will be here for you. Bringing you the run-on sentences that you adore so much and sifting through the bad in order to shine a light on the good. All for you...our dear reader.



THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING ALL YEAR!

No comments:

Post a Comment