Friday, April 29, 2011

Film Review: The Bleeding House (2010)



Cool poster.

The Bleeding House is an intensely mediocre horror film. It teases to be better...without ever really showing you the goods. It's like an under age Bangkok hooker on the rag. And...yes...I realize that's a bit of a pun.

Get it? Rag? The Bleeding House?

Anyway...it's not necessarily bad. It's just not very memorable. Doesn't ever sink its teeth into you.

The basic premise involves a man with a white suit who's sole intention is to drain you of your blood. He feeds off of the negativity of households....moving from home to home searching for his next victim. He's sort of a serial killer...of the lame variety. He finally meets the Smiths...who hold a dark secret of their own. While I do appreciate the inventiveness...it's sort of insipid. I'm sorry...I don't mean to be mean....it's just that I'm so sick of horror films that that go limp...and never truly serve its intention....to scare the fuck out of you.


This one isn't really worth your time. It's playing the Tribeca Film Festival and is readily available via On Demand....but, it is $5.99. Now...I'm not telling you how to spend your hard earned cash...but, this costs $5.99, too....and it's much more entertaining.

All I'm saying is...please make a film that will scare me, move me....damn....at least make it memorable. The Bleeding House is only memorable for its name. I was watching this with my mom...and she told me how she kept waiting for the walls to bleed or something more sinister to happen.

Nothing.

Only a dude who goes around bleeding dumb people. Sort of like a vampire....but, not really. We don't ever find of what he does with the blood he collects. Maybe gas for his car that supposedly broke down? I don't fuckin' know.

I don't wanna even mention that Philip Gelatt directed this thing...for fear of embarrassing him. Oh...wait...I guess I just did.

This film stars no one you really know or care about, for that matter.

A little side note...there's one reviewer out there that goes into some sort of intellectually drawn out critique of the film...only to mistakenly call it "The Burning House" later on in his same review. That's how completely meaningless and forgettable this film is. The fucking guy didn't even care to remember the film's name for the sake of the review! Hilarious.


The Bleeding House gets a sad 3 out of 10.

Recommendation: Buy the Zombie Brain Gelatin Mold instead...it's much more entertaining than this film.


Thanks for reading,

bryan.


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