Saturday, December 25, 2010

The Worst Horror Films of 2010





2010 sucked pretty hard when it came to horror films. While I was able to find 10 films that I enjoyed, those were probably the only 10 horror films that came out this past year that warranted any kind of merit. Usually, there's like 20 or so movies that I have to whittle down to a top 10...but, all I had to do this year was just arrange them in the order that I liked them in. That aside....there were quite a bit of films that sucked pretty bad. Now...I'm not going to spend too much time devoted to the suck even though there were alot of films purposely left off this lift because sometimes it is just too exhausting to churn out negativity on such a chi-balanced blog....but, I will say this....I'm giving you one more fuckin' chance to make it right, Wes....if you come out with another asstasstic film like My Soul To Take I'm going to start putting you in the same sentence as that Romero guy from now on....speaking of which....




Survival of the Dead

George A. Romero should consider retirement. Like right now...he should announce his withdrawal from the horror community. Let him just sign his autographs at the various horror conventions across the country and acknowledge his enormous contribution to the genre through his 3 masterpieces....and let that be that. Because the fucking man cannot do another good zombie movie to save his life. If I were drowning in a pit of quicksand and all someone had was a copy of the Survival of the Dead DVD in which to reach my hand with in order to save me...I would voluntarily refuse to grab the fuckin' DVD and face my sandy death. That's how much I loathe this film. While I am not ranking these vomit piles of something resembling films in any particular order...Survival of the Dead would definitely take the award for worst horror film of the year on this blog. Just so we're clear...that's two zombies doing an old West fast draw next to a big moon in the photo up above. Yup....you read that correctly.





30 Days of Night: Dark Days

30 Days of Night: Dark Days is probably the best slice of shitcake out of the entire shitcake bakery. While it is not entirely horrible, it doesn't quite live up to its potential and ultimately ends up being a pointless way to spend an evening in front of your 55 inch Sony Bravia. There really is no goddamn excuse for this film being bad....none. Steve Niles, the original writer of the actual comic book, co-wrote the screenplay....so, no...this film shouldn't have sucked as much vampire cock as it did. Even the cover art to the DVD looks as if someone made a watercolor painting of a really bad poster and then photo shopped the entire thing using Mario Paint. I get the whole philosophy of rushing out another film based on the success of the original....but(!) you have an opportunity to make something really special here. Something that could've stood on its own as a good contribution to the vampire genre...much like the original did. But, no...the film makers ended up settling for something sub par...and that's what pisses me off about this film. Even Mia Kirshner, who I would gladly slaughter a small Alaskan town for, was ultimately wasted in this film.






Case 39

2010 was a good year for bad horror films. Even films that were made a few years ago finally turned up in theaters this year stinking up the entire cineplex with their aura of suck. Case 39 didn't disappoint...that is...if it's intention was to club you over the head with a big 2x4 and then viciously take 109 minutes away from your life all while jumping on the top turnbuckle and screaming HOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Sorry for the Hacksaw Jim Duggan reference...I didn't mean to mix in his name with the suckage of this film....I like the guy way too much for that. Anyway...Case 39 is a bad film that could've been better...had the film makers actually gave two fucks about the material. By the by....have you ever noticed how painful it looks when Rene Zellweger smiles.






A Nightmare on Elm Street

Fuck you, Platinum Dunes. You've taken something very special from me and turned it into a 5 dollar Tijuana hooker. While, sometimes, that might not necessarily be a bad thing....your version of A Nightmare on Elm Street represents what ultimately happens when absolutely nobody gives a fucky fuck about the film they are trying to create other then the actual payday. The film ended up making over 63 million dollars at the box office. Now, considering the estimated budget of 35 mil....it doesn't take a chemistry major to determine that Platinum Dunes and parties involved made their money back in spades. As a matter of fact...these numbers could very well warrant a sequel to the remake....and if that's the case....these are some pretty fucking sad times, my dear friend and devoted horror film fan, because this film sucked as much as a remake of a classic could fucking suck. It's the cinematic equivalent of a big company purchasing a smaller cool company...sucking out everything that made the smaller company cool in the first place and replacing everything with what the bigger company thinks will make more money. That's what the Nightmare on Elm Street remake is....a shell of its former self with no soul left. Just a 5 dollar Tijuana hooker left for dead on the street corner with her panties around her ankles twitching about like a headless snake. Again...fuck you, Platinum Dunes.





Legion

Ever watch a film and think to yourself....geez, this movie reminds me of the first Terminator film!! That's exactly what will pop into your head when you sit down to watch the shitastic Legion. I really wanted to love this film...as a matter of fucking fact, the trailer to this film pretty much had any fan of the genre that is horror panting for this movie to come out when it was first introduced. The crazy demonically possessed granny that scales ceilings ala-The Exorcist III: Legion and the hellish ice cream man that transforms into a being straight out of your nightmares....this film was seriously set up to be the biggest horror film of 2010. Sadly...it wasn't. BUT(!)....it can be considered the biggest disappointment of 2010....so, there's that. But, seriously...you could make an argument that the film makers of Legion watched a marathon of the Terminator movies on USA Network the night before filming started. Otherworldly guy appears naked on Earth....otherworldly guy takes bad ass guns and cool clothes....otherworldly guy joins up with human counterparts in which to save the destruction of mankind....queue female narrative lines...end credits. Wasted opportunity to bring something fresh into the genre...instead we get a piss poor film-jacking presented in a shoddy direction and inept character development (I fucking hate when every actor starts off their back story with..."When I was a kid/girl/shorty..."). Paul Bettany was pretty damn cool, tho.






Resident Evil: Afterlife

Milla Jovavich is getting old. So is the fuckin' Resident Evil franchise. If someone had an idea and initially it was somewhat successful....then, they flipped around...turned it backwards...upside down....inside out...it would all still be the same idea....just in different incarnations. This is probably the worst thing you could do to an idea. Especially when the idea is adapted from a video game about zombies and hot females. I'll admit...back in the late 90's I thought to myself...."hey! wouldn't it be cool if they made a movie about this?!"...and I was instantly stoked at the idea when the first film came out. Milla Jovavich in the lead role?? Sign me the fuck up! Four films later and I'm tired of this shit. Especially if they don't really introduce anything special into the original formula of hot girl kicking genetically altered zombie ass. It would be cool if they came up with some cool concepts...or actually wrote some half-way decent screenplays. Instead, we're left with Jovavich pretty much doing the same fucking thing through the entire franchise. The 3D didn't really help...as most of the film was in the dark...but, then I personally hate 3D anyway. Perhaps the next one should just have Jovavich fighting zombies in the nude for an hour and a half?






The Wolfman

What happens when Hollywood decides to reboot an old monster movie classic and they get really good actors (Benecio Del Toro was basically born to play a man who sprouts body hair every full moon) and film makers together on the same page? Then, all of a sudden...out of the fuckin' blue...the director decides to change his goddamn mind and opts to walk off the set a week before principal photography. Then, they hire Joe Johnston, who directed Jumanji, to basically come in and take over for the first director, Mark Romanek (director of the chilling One Hour Photo)...who incidentally had everything already set up for his version of the film. Well...you get 103 minutes of incoherent CGI boredom. The Wolfman was really set up to be pretty epic...so, when you watch the film if makes you feel like your riding in a Ferrari that happens to be on the flatbed of a tow truck. You don't get to feel the exhilaration that it was meant for you to feel. So, ultimately...the film becomes a long waste of your time. Oh....and Sir Anthony Hopkins needs to find a new acting coach. He plays the same fuckin' guy over and over again.






The Descent Part 2

So...I rented this one and fell asleep a third of the way in. I tried to watch it again the next night...only to pass out half way through. The first film grabbed you by the throat early on and held you captivated all the way through. The Descent Part 2 is basically just around to make money for somebody. Even the special F/X were kind of cheap looking. The entire film felt like I was watching one of those late night SyFy movies. Just completely boring and disappointing. I never made it through the entire film....so, it's probably not fair to include The Descent Part 2  here on this awful list. On the other hand, unless Neil Marshall stepped up and directed the entire second half of the film, it's probably not worth my time anyway.






Mirrors 2

I usually like Nick Stahl...however, some of his choices he makes are suspect. Mirrors 2 is not unlike one of those suspect choices. He's like a quarterback you keep rooting for despite all the interceptions he throws and the ability to find his receivers similar to that of Stevie Wonder's. But, hey...at least we made it to the post season this year....right Jay? Anyway....if you are looking for a sequel to a mediocre film that delivers scares better than the original and a tightly written script that the Nolan brothers would be jealous of....you need not look here. The acting is terrible, the scares are sparse and Nick Stahl makes Edward Furlong look like Laurence Olivier. I only rented this film because of the lack of horror that has been released this year...but, really...that's still no excuse to put yourself through this kind of agony.






Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever

I went into this film thinking it couldn't be anything more than a fun and harmless sequel to a film that didn't take itself too seriously in the first place. Oh....and I loved Ti West's The House of the Devil. So, when I saw his name attached to Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever I got a little excited. Well....I'm here to tell you....no. This film was a convoluted mess and should never have seen the light of day. I've read that West has publicly disowned the film claiming that the final cut is not his vision....and that it was subsequently shelved for several years. It certainly shows in the final product. I wish I could tell you that there are some redeeming qualities about the film...but, sadly, this is one to skip the next time you're in need of a fix for some good horror.



Well...there you have it, ladies & gentlemen...the mistakes of 2010 are that of the past and we can learn from them in which to not make the same mistakes for 2011. Then again, Paul Bettany is starring in a film called Priest, written and directed by the same film makers that brought us Legion...it's about a man chosen to save humanity from the threat of evil. I guess nobody learned anything. I'm going to go ahead and pre-select Priest for next year's list.

Here's hoping that your new year is filled with good horror!

HOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!




Thanks for reading,



bryan.

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