Monday, October 25, 2010

DVD Review: A Nightmare On Elm Street (2010)


Platinum Dunes has vowed to remake every single horror movie classic from our childhood. Their latest remake comes in the form of A Nightmare on Elm Street. It sucks. How bad does it suck? Well let us examine the anatomy of the suck.

First off...you don't remake a film with the intention of riding on the coat-tails of the brand name. That's stupid. Why would you remake a film with the sole motivation being money? Ok....I guess that's a dumb question. But, if that is your sole motivation...then, the film is sure to suffer. Of course you want to turn a profit on your film. But, at the very least...please make an attempt to entertain the audience. Or...(God forbid) make something entirely fresh and inspiring. Platinum Dunes seemed to learn from the main flaws of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake. The flaws being that you gotta have fun with these films, otherwise it just becomes a long exercise of how to make a color-by-numbers duplicate of the original. The legendary classics already exist...so, the least you can do is entertain. You have a sizable budget now (thanks to Mr. "Transformers" Bay)....so, why not make a mind blowing fun homage to the original classics? Enter the Friday the 13th remake. That was a pure blast! While not a great movie....it was good enough to turn a nod to the old classics while creating a shiny new path for a potential new franchise. A great example of making all the horror fans happy, making money and creating a new door for future entries.


Now we have A Nightmare on Elm Street 2010. A piss poor example of how to basically fuck the old classic films dry of any potential for anything new. I know that sounds a little harsh but, I loved the original and, to some degree, I loved the entire journey that Freddy Krueger took us on all the way to Freddy vs. Jason. So, to defecate into a DVD slipcase and stamp A Nightmare on Elm Street on it and call it a "re-imagining" of the entire series really pisses me off.

Ok...now before I go on about how bad this new "remake" is....let's talk about the good. This shouldn't take long.


I love Jackie Earle Haley. So, when I heard that he would be putting on the iconic razor-fingered glove and dirty fedora of Krueger....I thought this to be an inspired choice. His talents are pretty much wasted here....although, there are moments when you think he's gonna break through and take Freddy into a new direction....but, no. He stalls out at the point when you think he's gonna be sick. There are small, microscopic moments where he does shine, though....and shows that under the direction of a more skilled filmmaker...he would've really been something.

I liked the look of the entire film. It's got the same glossy look of all the other Platinum Dunes remakes.

The new Nancy (Rooney Mara) could've been something...had they actually cared about character development in this film. You can tell she is a somewhat skilled actress....however, much like Haley, she is ultimately squandered.


Ok...so, that's the good.

As far as the rest of the bad....it really is bad. It's as if they just wanted to fast forward to all of the money-shot scenes without developing anything resembling a plot. While some shots would lead you to believe that the film may be a shot-for-shot remake of the film, the incoherent, pieced-together story says otherwise. They simply didn't give a fuck about this film. No one did. At some point, even the great Jackie Earle Haley must've said.....Fuck this...I'm getting paid, anyhow. Is the director to blame? While the mostly music video director, Samuel Bayer does shoulder some of the blame, it's every one's responsibility in this fuckin' movie to ensure that you walk out of the theater happy. Christ....even the mayor of Arlington Heights should've stepped in and said....don't you film your fuckin' poor excuse for an Elm Street remake in my town, you greedy bastards!

As I said...it really is that bad.

So, how are the DVD extras? Well, when you consider how bad the film is and you watch a 45 minute documentary on how the film was made with everyone exhibiting a foolish sense of pride for this shitfest...then, you gotta think to yourself.....are these fuckin' people high??!! As far as the alternative beginning and ending. No, it doesn't help the film one bit. You can keep your fuckin' alternative whatevers and your deleted scenes. Perhaps they should've shot an altogether alternative film......just so you can watch something other than this sucky example of a way to completely suck away 95 minutes of your life.


I don't recommend this film to anyone. Not even the hardcore Elm Street fans. In fact...the only way that the Platinum Dunes production company will ever learn is if you don't spend your hard earned dollar for this film or anything else they put out. But, alas......they don't care. Not one bit. Soon, Hellraiser will be a remake. Soon, Near Dark will be a remake. Soon....every fuckin' film on my 31 Nights of Horror list will ultimately become a fuckin' remake....including a soon to be made 3D remake of Dario Argento's masterpiece, Deep Red directed by none other than the presently talent-depleted George A. Romero. Hopefully, at his advanced age, he doesn't make it to the director's chair of this inexcusable project. Mean? No.....what's mean is shooting something as suckarific as what they decided to call A Nightmare of Elm Street 2010 and taking your hard earned lunch money without giving you anything resembling the classic film we all grew up on in return.

And...OH MY GOD, THE CGI!!! I mean, seriously??!! You had to ruin the "Freddy stretching through the wall" scene with all that blatant CGI???

Platinum Dunes....I fuckin' hate you!

1 out of 10 for whatever I said earlier....I forgot what was good.









I miss you, Robert.



Thanks for reading,





bryan.

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